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Proverbs modified

  • Strike while the ........................... bug is close
  • You can lead a horse to water but .......... how?
  • Don't bite the hand that ................... looks dirty
  • No news is ................................. impossible
  • A miss is as good as a ..................... Mr.
  • If you lie down with dogs, you'll .......... stink in the morning
  • An idle mind is ............................ the best way to relax
  • Where there's smoke there's ................ pollution
  • Happy the bride who ........................ gets all the presents
  • A penny saved is ........................... not much
  • Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and have to blow your nose
  • Children should be seen and not ............ spanked or grounded
  • If at first you don't succeed .............. get new batteries
  • You get out of something only what you ..... see in the picture on the box
  • When the blind leadeth the blind ........... get out of the way

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Hunting Elephants

hunt elephants by exercising Algorithm A:
1.Go to Africa.
2.Start at the Cape of Good Hope.
3.Work northward in an orderly manner, traversing the continent alternately east and west. 4.During each traverse pass,
    1.Catch each animal seen.
    2.Compare each animal caught to a known elephant.
    3.Stop when a match is detected.

modify Algorithm A by placing a known elephant in Cairo to ensure that the algorithm will terminate.

prefer to execute Algorithm A on their hands and knees.

do not need to go out and capture elephants when they can retrieve them simply with an ad-hoc query:

    3 AND SIZE = 'LARGE'
    5 AND TRUNK = 'YES'

hunt elephants by going to Africa, catching grey animals at random, and stopping when any one of them weighs within plus or minus 15 percent of any previously observed elephant.

are not so concerned with hunting elephants as with creating a seamless interface between the elephants and their environment.

don't hunt elephants, but they believe that if elephants are paid enough, they will hunt themselves.

hunt the first animal they see N times and call it an elephant.

don't hunt elephants, and many have never hunted anything at all, but they can be hired by the hour to advise those people who do.

can also measure the correlation of hat size and bullet colour to the efficiency of elephant-hunting strategies, if someone else will only identify the elephants.

don't hunt elephants, but they will share the elephants you catch with the people who voted for them.

don't hunt elephants, but they do follow the herds around arguing about who owns the droppings.

try hard to hunt elephants, but their HO staff are designed to prevent it. When the executive does get to hunt elephants, the staff will try to ensure that all possible elephants are completely prehunted before the executive sees them. If the executive does see a non-pre-hunted elephant, (in other words, a live one) the staff will:
    1.compliment the executive's keen eyesight and
    2.enlarge itself to prevent any recurrence.

set broad elephant-hunting policy based on the assumption that elephants are just like field mice, but with deeper voices.

ignore the elephants and look for mistakes the other hunters made when they were packing the jeep.

don't hunt elephants, but spend their time selling elephants they haven't caught, for delivery two days before the season opens.

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In the beginning was the Plan.

And then came the Assumptions.

And the Assumptions were without form.

And the Plan was without substance.

And darkness was upon the face of the Workers.

And the Workers spoke among themselves, saying, "This is a crock of sh**, and it stinks."

And the Workers went unto their Supervisors and said, "It is a pail of dung, and we can't live with the smell."

And the Supervisors went unto their Managers, saying, "It is a container of excrement, and it is very strong, such that none may abide by it."

And the Managers went unto their Directors, saying, "It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide its strength."

And the Directors spoke among themselves, saying to one another, "It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong."

And the Directors went to the Executive Board, saying unto them, "It promotes growth, and it is very powerful."

And the Executives went to the CEO, saying unto him, "This new plan will actively promote the growth and vigour of the company with very powerful effects."

And the CEO looked upon the Plan and saw that it was good.

And the Plan became Policy.

And that, my friends, is how Shit Happens.

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    'The Washington Post's Style Invitational' asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are some recent winners:

    • Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
    • Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
    • Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
    • Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
    • Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
    • Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
    • Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.
    • Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
    • Glibido: All talk and no action.
    • Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
    • Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
    • Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.




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    10 Signs That You've Had Too Much Of The 21st Century :

    • You try to enter your password on the microwave.
    • You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
    • You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 4.
    • You e-mail your work colleague at the desk next to you to ask if he or she is ready to go to lunch.
    • You chat on-line regularly with a stranger from another continent, but you haven't spoken to your next door neighbour yet this year.
    • Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they do not have e-mail addresses.
    • Your idea of being organized is multiple-coloured Post-it notes.
    • You hear most of your jokes via e-mail instead of in person.
    • When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner.
    • When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally insert a "9" to get an outside line.

      More Signs That You've Had Too Much Of The 21st Century

    • You try to enter your password on the microwave.
    • You haven't played patience with real cards in years.
    • You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
    • You e-mail your work colleague at the desk next to you to ask "Do you fancy going down the pub?" and they reply "Yeah, give me five minutes".
    • You chat several times a day with a stranger from South America, but you haven't spoken to your next door neighbour yet this year.
    • You buy a computer and a week later it is out of date.
    • Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they do not have e-mail addresses.
    • You consider Royal Mail painfully slow or call it "snail mail".
    • Your idea of being organised is multiple coloured post-it notes.
    • You hear most of your jokes via email instead of in person.
    • When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner.
    • When you make phonecalls from home, you accidentally insert a "9" to get an outside line.
    • You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies.
    • Your company welcome sign is attached with Velcro.
    • Your CV is on a diskette in your pocket.
    • You really get excited about a 1.7% pay rise.
    • You learn about your redundancy on the 9 o'clock news.
    • Your biggest loss from a system crash is that you lose all your best jokes.
    • Your supervisor doesn't have the ability to do your job.
    • Contractors outnumber permanent staff and are more likely to get long-service awards.
    • Board members salaries are higher than all the Third World countries annual budgets combined.
    • It's dark when you drive to and from work, even in the summer.
    • You know exactly how many days you've got left until you retire.
    • Interviewees, despite not having the relevant knowledge or experience, terminate the interview when told of the starting salary.
    • You see a good looking, smart person and you know it must be a visitor.
    • Free food left over from meetings is your staple diet.
    • The work experience person gets a brand-new state-of-the-art laptop with all the features, while you have time to go for lunch while yours powers up.
    • Being sick is defined as you can't walk or you're in hospital.
    • You're already late on the assignment you just got.
    • There's no money in the budget for the five permanent staff your department is short of, but they can afford four full-time management consultants advising your boss's boss on strategy.
    • Your boss's favourite lines are: When you've got a few minutes.. Could you fit this in...? your spare time...when you're freed up....I know you're busy but...I have an opportunity for you
    • Holiday is something you roll over to next year.
    • Every week another brown collection envelope comes round because someone you didn't know had started is leaving.
    • You wonder who's going to be left to put into your 'leaving' collection.
    • Your relatives and family describe your job as "works with computers".
    • The only reason you recognise your kids is because their pictures are on your desk.
    • You only have makeup for fluorescent lighting.
    • You read this entire list, kept nodding and smiling.
    • As you read this list, you think about forwarding it to your "mates you send jokes to" e-mail group.
    • It crosses your mind that your jokes group may have seen this list already, but you can't be bothered to check so you forward it anyway.

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    Warranty Card
    This was actually posted very briefly on the McDonnell Douglas website by an employee. The company, of course, does not (have a sense of humour) - and made the web department take it down.

    Thank you for purchasing a McDonnell Douglas military 
    aircraft. In order to protect your new investment, please 
    take a few moments to fill out the warranty registration 
    card below. Answering the survey questions is not required, 
    but the information will help us to develop new products 
    that best meet your needs and desires.
    1. [_] Mr. [_] Mrs. [_] Ms. [_] Miss [_] Lt. 
       [_] Gen. [_] Comrade [_] Classified [_] Other 
       First Name:
       Initial: ........   Last Name:
       Password: .............................. (max. 8 char)
       Code Name:
       Latitude-Longitude-Altitude: ........... .............
    2. Which model aircraft did you purchase?
       [_] F-14 Tomcat
       [_] F-15 Eagle
       [_] F-16 Falcon
       [_] F-117A Stealth
       [_] Classified
    3. Date of purchase (Year/Month/Day): 19..../..../......
    4. Serial Number: ......................................
    5. Please check where this product was purchased:
       [_] Received as gift / aid package
       [_] Catalog showroom
       [_] Independent arms broker
       [_] Mail order
       [_] Discount store
       [_] Government surplus
       [_] Classified
    6. Please check how you became aware of the McDonnell 
       Douglas product you have just purchased:
       [_] Heard loud noise, looked up
       [_] Store display
       [_] Espionage
       [_] Recommended by friend / relative / ally
       [_] Political lobbying by manufacturer
       [_] Was attacked by one
    7. Please check the three (3) factors that most 
       influenced your decision to purchase this 
       McDonnell Douglas product:
       [_] Style / appearance
       [_] Speed / maneuverability
       [_] Price / value
       [_] Comfort / convenience
       [_] Kickback / bribe
       [_] Recommended by salesperson
       [_] McDonnell Douglas reputation
       [_] Advanced Weapons Systems
       [_] Backroom politics
       [_] Negative experience opposing one in combat
    8. Please check the location(s) where this product 
       will be used:
       [_] North America
       [_] Iraq
       [_] Iraq
       [_] Aircraft carrier
       [_] Iraq
       [_] Europe
       [_] Iraq
       [_] Middle East (not Iraq)
       [_] Iraq
       [_] Africa
       [_] Iraq
       [_] Asia / Far East
       [_] Iraq
       [_] Misc. Third World countries
       [_] Iraq
       [_] Classified
       [_] Iraq
    9. Please check the products that you currently 
       own or intend to purchase in the near future:
       [_] Color TV
       [_] VCR
       [_] ICBM
       [_] Killer Satellite
       [_] CD Player
       [_] Air-to-Air Missiles
       [_] Space Shuttle
       [_] Home Computer
       [_] Nuclear Weapon
    10. How would you describe yourself or your 
        (Check all that apply:)
        [_] Communist / Socialist
        [_] Terrorist
        [_] Crazed
        [_] Neutral
        [_] Democratic
        [_] Dictatorship
        [_] Corrupt
        [_] Primitive / Tribal
    11. How did you pay for your McDonnell Douglas 
        [_] Deficit spending
        [_] Cash
        [_] Suitcases of cocaine
        [_] Oil revenues
        [_] Personal check
        [_] Credit card
        [_] Ransom money
        [_] Traveler's check
    12. Your occupation:
        [_] Homemaker
        [_] Sales / marketing
        [_] Revolutionary
        [_] Clerical
        [_] Mercenary
        [_] Tyrant
        [_] Middle management
        [_] Eccentric billionaire
        [_] Defense Minister / General
        [_] Retired
        [_] Student
    13. To help us understand our customers' 
        lifestyles, please  indicate the interests 
        and activities in which you and your spouse 
        enjoy participating on a regular basis:
        [_] Golf
        [_] Boating / sailing
        [_] Sabotage
        [_] Running / jogging
        [_] Propaganda / disinformation
        [_] Destabilization / overthrow
        [_] Default on loans
        [_] Gardening
        [_] Crafts
        [_] Black market / smuggling
        [_] Collectibles / collections
        [_] Watching sports on TV
        [_] Wines
        [_] Interrogation / torture
        [_] Household pets
        [_] Crushing rebellions
        [_] Espionage / reconnaissance
        [_] Fashion clothing
        [_] Border disputes
        [_] Mutually Assured Destruction
    Thank you for taking the time to fill out this 
    questionnaire. Your answers will be used in market 
    studies that will help McDonnell Douglas serve you 
    better in the future - as well as allowing  you to 
    receive mailings and special offers from other 
    companies, governments, extremist groups, and 
    mysterious consortia.
    As a bonus for responding to this survey, you will 
    be registered to win a brand new F-117A in our 
    Desert Thunder Sweepstakes!
    Comments or suggestions about our fighter planes?
    Please write to:
    Marketing Department
    Military Aerospace Division

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    Military Language

    • One reason the Military has trouble operating jointly is that they don't speak the same language.
    • For example, if you told Navy personnel to "secure a building," they would turn off the lights and lock the doors.
    • Army personnel would occupy the building so no one could enter.
    • Marines would assault the building, capture it, and defend it with suppressive fire and close combat.
    • The Air Force, on the other hand, would take out a three-year lease with an option to buy.


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